In the absence of an ongoing life-changing trauma or circumstance, such as death or being a victim of a crime or personal/financial crisis, if most things are normal, your philosophical approach toward happiness might be ironically making you unhappy.
Consider these as your “unexplained” sources of unhappiness.
- 1. You suppress negative thoughts and force positive thoughts on yourself
- 2. Your ideas about the future are fantasy-like, a little too unrealistic
- 3. You’ve made happiness a “big deal” in your life
- 4. You are trying to be better than others in the wellness game
- 5. You have given up short-term pleasures and exert too much self-control/self-denial
- 6. You are trying hard to be overly optimistic about everything
- Neuroplasticity – rewiring the brain to reduce unhappiness
- Sources
1. You suppress negative thoughts and force positive thoughts on yourself
- Mistake: Trying to delete negative thoughts & think positively.
- Tip: Don’t suppress negative thoughts; they are a part of a healthy mind. 35% negativity is ok.
A healthy mind has a good mixture of positive and negative thoughts. One estimate[1] suggests that those with severe mental health issues have an equal amount of positive and negative self-referential thoughts (I am…), and those who are mentally fit have 1.6 positive thoughts for each negative thought. So a healthy internal dialog could be healthy even if 35% of thoughts are negative. Another estimate[2] puts the positive-to-negative thought ratio at 1.7:1 for functionally healthy people.
Suppressing negative thoughts isn’t a wise choice. When we suppress/hide the outward emotional expression[3] of negative thoughts, we compromise our cognitive functioning, such as decision-making and memory. When negative thoughts are suppressed, they consume all the mental bandwidth and prevent us from paying attention where it is needed, and also prevent us from prioritizing a method to adjust to negative circumstances. On the other hand, re-appraising negative thoughts that create strong emotions does not compromise our cognitive functioning. Re-appraising means converting and modifying thoughts to mean something different. For example, converting a sense of doom into a problem-solving mindset to overcome difficult hurdles. Keeping your cool or holding back emotional expression[4] can spoil our memory formation during the suppression period and increase physical signs of stress, too. This makes self-growth difficult, which reinforces the unhappy state. So instead of suppressing negative thoughts, let them live and pass by.
2. Your ideas about the future are fantasy-like, a little too unrealistic
- Mistake: Wishing for good things is a positive philosophy.
- Tip: Be realistic, not too optimistic or pessimistic; it can reduce happiness.
Realists have higher well-being[5] than optimists and pessimists. Compared with Realists, Optimists can have 12% higher suffering and Pessimists can have 37% higher suffering. Mistaken expectations of pessimists and optimists can worsen well-being.
Overly optimistic people can unreasonably expect good things to happen and then get disappointed or dissatisfied when the best doesn’t happen. Overly pessimistic people can have a dominant feeling of doom & disappointment even when the worst doesn’t happen. Pessimistic & optimistic planning may also have worse outcomes than realistic planning.
3. You’ve made happiness a “big deal” in your life
- Mistake: People place too much importance on finding happiness.
- Tip: Give happiness moderate importance and be ready to self-reject instead of self-accept.
Pursuing happiness is a common desire for many people, but still, there have been mixed conclusions from scientists about how it affects their well-being. Within a collectivistic culture, people who value happiness a lot[6] seem to have higher well-being, especially if they reject and overcome their negative situation. The benefits of valuing happiness may not be present in an individualistic culture. One study[7] shows valuing happiness can be a risk factor for depression. This is probably because it may lead to a stark contrast between loneliness and a deep-seated desire to be happy. The contrast creates disappointment. Individualistic and collectivistic cultures differ a lot regarding identity and self-image, so it plays a role. It’s easier to feel connected to others and value that social connection dearly in a collectivistic society. A truly individualistic life could make you lonelier by default, regardless of being an introvert or an extrovert, although introverts will likely not feel much of a contrast.
For those who accept their negative internal mental state, the effect of valuing happiness on well-being is weak. Possibly because when we accept negative mental states as our own, we learn to live with negative moods, experiences, thoughts, attitudes, conflicts, and biases. This could create a feeling that negative states are unchangeable, even when healthy coping mechanisms can improve life satisfaction. However, research also says that accepting negative feelings as just negative feelings (without judging yourself) reduces the amount of attention we pay to negative feelings. That reduced attention is important. Accepting negative emotions as “temporary” feelings and then rejecting them as your “permanent” feeling is a good approach.
4. You are trying to be better than others in the wellness game
- Mistake: Comparing & competing in the wellness game to be a winner.
- Tip: Accept being worse off than others; it sets you up for more satisfaction in the future.
One reason people chase happiness and a more satisfying life is that they feel they are doing worse than others in terms of salary, happiness, life satisfaction, achievement, etc. In psychology, that’s called “social comparison leading to worse-than-average beliefs[8].” With the modern zeitgeist of positivity and wellness, there could be social pressure to feel satisfied with oneself and put well-being on a pedestal. So people could feel pressured to feel better-than-average all the time, and that too, quickly.
However, feeling worse than average actually has a positive side – it promotes well-being in the long term, even though it feels bad immediately. Feeling worse than average can motivate people to improve their situation and simultaneously avoid negative beliefs about the self. That double impact can lead to many future benefits like better friendships, a higher sense of belonging, better social skills, better professional skills, etc. All because they worked toward improvement without the pressure to be the best. On the other hand, optimistically feeling better-than-average could lead to overconfidence, slacking off, neglect, taking things for granted, etc. The consequences could be losing your advantages or current benefits.
5. You have given up short-term pleasures and exert too much self-control/self-denial
- Mistake: Giving up instant gratification to “earn” real happiness.
- Tip: Enjoy instant gratification, but learn to truly enjoy it.
When looking at various philosophies on improving quality of life, there is a common theme that one must forego instant gratification or hedonistic tendencies and learn self-control to earn true happiness or success. While that’s not bad advice, research suggests[9] hedonistic pursuits like relaxing or going out for fun can be just as important as self-control in improving well-being. Our capacity to enjoy short-term pleasures is genuinely related to our life satisfaction and well-being, as long as there is no conflict between long-term goals and enjoyment. Balancing pleasure & self-regulation is important; both can go hand-in-hand. Researchers say that conflicting thoughts about long-term goals like exercising or changing diets can become intrusive thoughts that prevent or disturb short-term pleasure.
For instance, anticipating a job application can disrupt your enjoyment on a road trip, which causes you to think about work instead of simply enjoying the moment. Even if people do seek instant happiness, obsessing over future goals like learning something new or meeting an important life milestone can hinder their ability to fully enjoy themselves. The capacity to successfully enjoy short-term pleasures is important. Successfully enjoying oneself and successfully pursuing short-term happiness gets a bad reputation, but it is a legitimate source of happiness. So go on, relax, and have fun without feeling guilty about not completing long-term goals!
Help me run this site with a donation :)
Related “habit-thought” – heaven’s reward fallacy
6. You are trying hard to be overly optimistic about everything
- Mistake: Trying to be more optimistic to find happiness.
- Tip: Restrict your tendency to be overly optimistic.
About 80% of people[10] have an optimism bias, which means they overestimate the likelihood of positive things and underestimate the likelihood of negative things. They feel good things will happen to them in the future and miraculously escape negative things. The optimism bias occurs in future relationships, job prospects, health, money, success, etc.
Excessive optimism has a downside. Over-optimism can disconnect you from real-world possible negative consequences. Optimists could fall into the trap of binge-eating, smoking, excessive expenditure, etc., which have significant negative effects on health. Why? Because, they might think – “It’ll be ok”.
Neuroplasticity – rewiring the brain to reduce unhappiness
A lot of the attitudes I’ve discussed above are represented by circuits in the brain that trigger by default – aka habit-thoughts. Overoptimism, the tendency to suppress negative emotions, comparing happiness levels with others, suppressing the urge to seek instant gratification, constantly chasing happiness, pessimism, etc., have become thought habits. They can be changed because the brain is plastic – it can be rewired and reshaped. However, rewiring the brain doesn’t occur overnight; new habit-thoughts must form, and they usually happen when the environment is suitable and you experience a reward associated with the change. Not too different from breaking a bad habit and building a good one.
Sources
[2]: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226389616_The_internal_dialogue_On_the_asymmetry_between_positive_and_negative_coping_thoughts
[3]: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.0963-7214.2004.00291.x?icid=int.sj-challenge-page.similar-articles.2
[4]: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672992511010
[5]: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0146167220934577
[6]: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/pchj.319
[7]: https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.10.890
[8]: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00642/full
[9]: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167220941998
[10]: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0960982211011912
Hey! Thank you for reading; hope you enjoyed the article. I run Cognition Today to capture some of the most fascinating mechanisms that guide our lives. My content here is referenced and featured in NY Times, Forbes, CNET, and Entrepreneur, and many other books & research papers.
I’m am a psychology SME consultant in EdTech with a focus on AI cognition and Behavioral Engineering. I’m affiliated to myelin, an EdTech company in India as well.
I’ve studied at NIMHANS Bangalore (positive psychology), Savitribai Phule Pune University (clinical psychology), Fergusson College (BA psych), and affiliated with IIM Ahmedabad (marketing psychology). I’m currently studying Korean at Seoul National University.
I’m based in Pune, India but living in Seoul, S. Korea. Love Sci-fi, horror media; Love rock, metal, synthwave, and K-pop music; can’t whistle; can play 2 guitars at a time.
Help me run this site with a donation :)
